it's beginning to look a lot like christmas.  what the hell does that mean?  is there an actual look to christmas?  i really don't have any witty comment to follow all that up so i'll cut to the chase...

i will be seeing LP tomorrow and we will be viewing the sandlot, excellent.

i played pool with jonny mcknott last night.  he beat me more than usual so i need to practice.

dommer is leaveing tomorrow for ohio, i must see him tonight.

i almost was kicked out of school recently, i prefer not to tell of the details on line so please inquire in person...

i want to go to timberlee very soon, with all of my friends, and form a long chain of tubes, and go down the hill, now that would be cool (sorry lp, big kids only :-$)

and now, i need to  finish my redpop and go get a life

this marks my second to last night of traverse.  are you excited for college? yes.  wait, i'm depressed and it is difficult to become excited about anything.  that response just doesn't cut it.  the fact that i cannot sustain an emotional high is ruining my life. my introspective thoughts kill every moment.  am i having fun, is this good, am i being satisfied to easily.  feelings of joy are not replaced by sadness, but simply filled with an emptiness.  i started to cry tongiht, a single tear.  i stopped withing seconds, not because i talked myself out of it, but the emotion simply left.  i have been the least like myself today in a while.  a day with a good friend going out on adventures uses to put me in a great mood.  conversation and a country drive is usually welcomed.  today it was marked with nothing, maybe a slight bit of saddness or reminiscing about people that i have or at least used to love.  to try and outline what this disease is like is hard, because until i experienced it, i never understood it.  it isn't being sad all the time, or saying "i wish i was dead".  that is being sad.  this is a lack of emotion, feeling nothing, ever, realizing that you are losing the essence of who you are, your laugh, your insight, your drive, what it is that you were looking for and would die trying to find.  i can't sustain anything, just now i went from absolutely nothing to the hardest cry i've had in years, wow, that lasted twenty some seconds and now i feel completely normal.  weird?  it is supposedly common, i mourn for all the others.  the doctor says it is probably chemicals.  he notes my method of looking for my problems and finding none.  having reasons to feel great, but just feeling like shit is a sure sign.  what the fuck is happening to me. i used to have so much fun all the time.  i feel like i've gained lots of weight. i'm not as free.  i wish i could blame this on drugs or alcohol, but i can't, I CAN'T.  there isn't anything wrong but everything is at the same time.  maybe this is all getting redundant. that felt real good. i see the doctor again tomorrow and i hope i get some answers.  to further outline this emotional ferris wheel, i feel really good right now. goodnight

this summer has been pretty good. seeing my friends a lot, having a good job, gatherings out at the tin can, and finding out who your real friends are. however, i'm ready for all the end. summer is burning me out, it is getting boring. last night at the tin can was probably my worst tin can experience ever. i'm not really looking to make a lot of new friends over the next five days so i'd rather be able to be myself with the kids i know. so there is a joint party between erika and her older sister tessa. sounds like it'll be any ol' night at the tin can. after sitting out there with caleb as the first people for an over an hour (yes, we were there before the hosts) i knew this night would be tainted. *car doors slam*, oooh some peole are finally here. three figures outside of the window that i have never seen before walk to the door. they enter, tessa and her two college friends. one was alright, but the other was a total bitch. i was flattered when the bitchy one decided to insult us before a formal introduction. "is that people magazine right there?" she inquires. "yeah, it's not very interesting" caleb replies. "well, maybe you should try teen people" alright bitch, uncalled for.  just because you just turned twenty and you have finally escaped the label of "teen" you don't have the right.  now, caleb and i were just nodding our heads to all of the preceding small talk, we didn't give a shit what they had to say. we didn't realize this travesty of a comment until after they had left.  two pairs of eyes simultaneously meet eachother and we say "that bitch".

the other kids arrived over a half an hour later, so caleb and i had more alone time while the college chicks went and got sloshed in the trailer.  right on.  erika and jon finally roll up.  now therer are four of us and the night should be a little more fun.  however, erika decides that she is going to leave all the kids that she invited out here so that she can get drunk with the older kids.

this outlines the rest of the night. two parties, with no signs of good mingling ahead.  briggs asks me to play pool, i accept.  we get through a match when tim freundyl and someother dude walk into play.  this is fine, i like teams.... ALRIGHT, stop the live journal entry, i am just going to bitch about the rest of the night, like i have been. it was the worst party i went to all summer with a host that didn't care, no one got a long and they tried to eat my goddam chips and dip, FUCK THAT.

i don't want anymore parties this summer, i don't want a party labeled "my going away party" so other people can get sloshed.  i just want to hang out with my friends, the real ones...